The Laws of Anime

[Aoz]

En samling observationer om anime och anime fysik man ofta stöter på när man avnjuter sina favorit-animeér, kanske något för nybörjaren att läsa också? Får lite koll på hur allting "hänger ihop" egentligen ;)

 

 

1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity

 

The normal laws of physics do not apply.

 

2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation

 

Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

 

3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics

 

In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is

no air to get in the way.

 

4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion

 

In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

 

5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion

 

The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are

the fastest objects known to human science.

 

6. Law of Temporal Variability

 

Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does

something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers

are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

 

7. First Law of Temporal Mortality

 

'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick

they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the

character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence

or why the toast always lands butter side down.

 

8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality

 

It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage.

Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it

coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is

attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the

brain.

 

9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis

 

Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either

still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red

or white).

 

10. Law of Dramatic Multiplicity

 

Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad

Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

 

11. Law of Inherent Combustability

 

Everything explodes. Everything.

 

*First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.

*Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known

to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of

these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

 

12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission

 

Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

 

13. Law of Energetic Emission

 

There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy

'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the

explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to

the Law of Inherent Combustability.

 

14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude

 

The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its

size.

 

*First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also

know as the A-Ko phenomenon.

 

15. Law of Inexhaustability

 

No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are

cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

 

16. Law of Inverse Accuracy

 

The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm

increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the

'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the

shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)

 

Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a

moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys'

firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will

always miss.

 

*First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they

will hit anyone or do any real damage.

*Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable

odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them

all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.

*Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire,

it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the

shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more

strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating

heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.

 

17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability

 

Minmei is a bimbo.

 

18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity

 

The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

 

19. Law of Demonic Consistency

 

Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads

of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown),

and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

 

20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability

 

Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of

cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with

a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

 

21. Law of Tactical Unreliability

 

Tactical geniuses aren't....

 

22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability

 

People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or

wounds the size of Seattle.

 

23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality

 

Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

 

24. Law of Americanthropomorphism

 

Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty

skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.

 

*First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb

Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the

Green Line Effect.)

*Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

 

25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality (from A. Hicks)

 

The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at

which they are speaking or eating.

 

26. Law of Feline Mutation (from A. Hicks)

 

Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:

 

1. be female,

2. will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation,

3. and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

 

27. Law of Conservation of Firepower (from U. Williams)

 

Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a

single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

 

28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence (from U. Williams)

 

The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely

proportional to its complexity.

 

29. Law of Melee Luminescence (from U. Williams)

 

Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or

violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is

usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed

to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

 

30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism (from U. Williams)

 

All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on

destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

 

31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability (from Spellweaver)

 

Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color.

This color can change without warning or explanation.

 

32. Law of Follicular Permanence

 

Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of

meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive

effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is

the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

 

33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics

 

*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically

aerodynamic.

 

34. Law of Probable Attire

 

Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.

Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of

whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with

an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped

to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the

afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a

shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower

Scene).

 

Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a

long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically

behind him.

 

*First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant

to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm

clothing in snow.

*Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer

invulnerable to any form of damage.

 

35. Law of Musical Omnipotence

 

Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument,

etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like

piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so

on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.

 

36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination (from Daniel Mikula)

 

Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it

tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:

 

1. The Hero/Leader

2. His girlfriend

3. His Best Friend/Rival

4. A Hulking Brute

5. A Dwarf/Kid

 

Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which

include:

 

1. Extreme Coolness

2. Amazing intelligence

3. Incredible Irritation

 

37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance (from Jason Bustard)

 

All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable

volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve

any object at a moment's notice.

 

*First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a

heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who

deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power

suits/armor, and large bazookas.

 

38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission

 

Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain

several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high

pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained

in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these

reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to

collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat

gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed,

embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large

drop of sebaceous fluid.

 

39. Law of Inverse Attraction

 

Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how

desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you

get.

 

*First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the

real world...

 

40. Law of Nasal Sanguination (from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen)

 

When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get

nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory

suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue

(see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

 

41. Law of Xylolaceration (from Lyndon Harris)

 

Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not

sharper.

 

42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence (from Erin Alia)

 

Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time

and twice the angst.

 

43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia

 

There is no Law #43.

 

44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation (from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah)

 

The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is

directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack

is announced.

 

45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis (from R. A. Hubby)

 

Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how

many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a

mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to

interrupt it.

 

46. Law of Flimsy Incognition (from Conrad Knauer)

 

Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you

utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

 

-Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito

[induce]

Nummer tre, fyra och sju är underbara. Speciellt sjuan, haha. Den har man stött på många gånger. Skall ta och läsa igenom resten imorgon när jag har mer ork. Känner igen några av de men listan måste ha lagt på sig några kilon sen jag sist såg den.

 

[Sceleris]

En lista som kommit i många former under årens lopp. Apropå animéfysik minns jag en nätsida där en snubbe räknat ut fysiken bakom Ranma½... Hur han kan lyfta 60 ton med ett finger och så vidare. Försökte hitta den nyligt, men inga resultat. Någon som råkar ha adressen? :P