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Shit Happens


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Oh shit,


Taoism: Shit happens


Confucionism: Confucius says: "Shit happens"


Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit


Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?


Hinduism: This shit has happened before


Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah


Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else


Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it


Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?


Sufism: The wise man never notices shit happening


Christian Science: If shit happens, pretend it doesn't really



Solipsism: Shit happens because I wish it


Mysticism: Just experience shit happening


Asceticism: If shit happens, renounce it


Agnosticism: Nobody knows why shit happens


Gnosticism: I know why shit happens but won't tell you


Atheism: Shit just happens and that's all there is to it


Cartesianism: Shit happens to me, therefore I exist


Platonism: There is ideal shit happening somewhere


Stoicism: I don't care if shit happens


Epicureanism: Let's party while shit doesn't happen


Cynicism: Of course shit happens


Occultism: Shit materializes from other planes of existence


Terrorism: Shit will happen unless you do as I say


Pollyanism: It's so nice that shit happens!


Puritanism: S** can happen all day as long as you don't call

it that


Behaviorism: You are conditioned to having shit happen


Freudianism: If shit happens, it's your mother's fault


Parapsychology: Shit happens without material causes


Surrealism: Purple shit happens near melting clocks


Cubism: If shit happens, you won't recognize it


Cultural relativism: Shit happens everywhere differently


Optimism: If shit happens, we'll find a way to use it


Pessimism: If shit happens, there won't be enough for



Tabloid Sensationalism: Green shit from Mars happens to Elvis



Biblical Creationism: Shit happens because God created it


Secular Humanism: Shit happens because it evolved from

primitive shit


Scientific Reductionism: If shit happens, find out what kind



Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in

given cases


Bureaucracy: I don't care if shit happens as long as you fill

out the forms


Feminism: Women demand to have shit happen


Ecology: If organic shit happens, it's OK


Capitalism: Let's profit from shit happening


Socialism: If shit happens, let's distribute it equally


Patriotism: Our shit is better than your shit


Conservatism: They don't make even shit happen like they used



Liberalism: Shit shouldn't happen tomorrow


Classical Physics: Shit does not 'happen', it just moves



Quantum Physics #1: Shit happens but you can't say both where

and when


Quantum Physics #2: Shit happens in discrete quanta called



Holistic Physics: If shit happens, it happens everywhere at



Microcomputing: If shit happens, we'll fix it in the next



Computer Science: All shit can in principle happen on a

Turing Machine


Applied Mathematics: The probabity of shit happening

approaches unity


Engineering: When shit happens, paint over


Medicine: If shit happens, take two Aspirins and call me in

the morning


Economics: Shit happens because there's a geat demand for it


Politics: If shit happens, make a deal with it


Diplomacy: Let's pretend shit doesn't happen

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Why did the chicken cross the road?


# Buddhism: “There is no road.”

# Hinduism: “This chicken used to be somebody on the other side of the road”

# Islam: “The chicken crossed because it was the will of Allah”

# Agnosticism: “Did the chicken really cross the road? Is there even a chicken? Is there even a road?”

# Materialism: "There is nothing else but chickens and roads."

# Atheism: “There is no chicken and there has never been a road.”

# Catholicism: “The chicken crossed the road because it was Friday and we were having a Lenten fish fry. Where’s my beer?”

# Protestantism: “The chicken crossed the road because it says so in the bible.”

# Presbyterianism: “The chicken crossed because it was bound to happen.”

# Episcopalianism: “The chicken crossed the road because it was part of a liturgical procession.”

# Jehovah's Witness: Knock, knock, "Have you heard the good news about the chicken?”

# Judaism: “It wasn’t kosher. Now get out of my face.”

# Darwinism: “The chicken crossed the road because it was in its third stage of the evolutionary process from the islands off the cost of the cape and shared a common ancestor as the kiwi bird."

# Televangelism: "That chicken is tax deductible if you donate it now."

# Creationism: “Because the chicken was made that way since August 12, 4004 BC.”

# Existentialism: “What is a chicken and for that matter what is a road?”

# Baptist: “That chicken crosses that road all wrong. I’ll show that chicken how to cross that road.”

# Paganism: “All worship the mighty goddess chicken”

# Pentecostal: “Praise God, the chicken crossed the road!”

# Fundamentalism: “There are no chickens in the bible.”

# Vegetarianism: “That poor bird! You animal pigs! You should eat tofu!”

# Mormonism: “The chicken crossed the road.”

# Wicca: “The chicken is goddess too.”

# Moonies: “That’s one happy chicken.”

# Capitalism: “Is that the best price you can give me for a road crossing chicken?”

# Mysticism: “The chicken crossed the road by not crossing the road.”


KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.


PLATO: For the greater good.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.


KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.


TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.


SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.




CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.


ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting ,in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.


LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken `crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, ``Thou shalt cross the road.'' And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?


RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.


MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.


JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?


FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


BILL GATES: Our soon-to-be-released Chicken '98 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.


OLIVER STONE: The question is not, ``Why did the chicken cross the road?'' Rather, it is, ``Who was crossing the road at the sametime, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?''


DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.


EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.


BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.


RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.


MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.


COLONEL SANDERS (Famed for Kentucky Fried Chicken): I missed one?


PHYSICIST: Because the chicken's momentum had a positive component towards the other side of the road.


QUANTUM PHYSICIST: Because you measured its momentum too precisely.


MATHEMATICIAN: Because of the intermediate values theorem.


ALGEBRAIC GEOMETRIST: Well, consider a faithfully flat etale coherent sheaf...


C PROGRAMMER: cross_road() was called from get_other_side()


C++ PROGRAMMER: chicken->CrossRoad() was called from chicken->GetOtherSide()


RMS: The licenses for most roads are designed to take away your chicken's freedom to cross it. By contrast, the GALLUS Road Public Licence...


GARY LARSON: ``THE OTHER SIDE - Why do you need a reason?''


ENS STUDENT: Contretest.



I sent my Chicken across the Road,

Some Letter of that Other-side to download:

And by and by my Chicken return'd to me,

And answer'd ``I Myself am Princess and Toad:''


MARKETING DIVISION OF MICROSOFT CORPORATION: Where does your chicken want to go today?


MARVIN: The other side is just as dull as this one. Don't talk to me about chickens.


ARTHUR DENT: Why did the chicken cross the road? 42? No, that doesn't make sense.


GOETHE: Es irrt das Huhn, so lange es die Straße übergeht.


HARI SELDON: It's part of the Plan.



To cross, or not to cross, that is the question: -

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous side;

Or to take arms against a road of troubles,

And by crossing end them?


THERMODYNAMIST: Because the pressure of the was greater on this side of the road, and the chicken's crossing made the entropy greater.

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